vkathryn -

had an awful dream last night. me and a lot of people i didnt know and a few i did. all the girls were in lingerie and we were playing some kind of runway walking game, and i got tired and fell asleep with mike in a bedroom in the back, then i went to the bathroom and amberly walked in and something made me justifiably angry and i grabbed her underwear?? 
 then we were at an afterparty, and amber was there with guy issues, and one of her friends also was there, two girls were doing meth and i knew her friend had a history of drug problems, so i forbade her to do it, and she held her hand out for drugs and i was so upset so i ran out and we were all in hottubs, and i felt very very violated, so i ran away and it was nighttime .
there was a really busy street and i saw a big sheepdog get run over by a speeding car, and the car just kept driving and i fell to my knees on the pavement and started sobbing for this poor sweet animal, then he got up and he was okay but i was so traumatized, i finally woke up just before my alarm, gasping for breath and shaking.  even after i got up, i kept knocking things over. horrible dream. anyways heres an update i had to write on paper cuz i wouldnt get up to type it out.

December 27, 11:03 pm
cant sleep- too much on my mind. i went to joes last night, he just txted me all of a sudden, and invited me to a party at his place. so i went and my stomachs been acting up so i didnt want to drink too much and everyone was telling me to drink of course so i nded up nursing a beer all night long. joe was REALLY drunk, he kept saying Hi Vanessa! randomly all night. we ended up sitting in a one person recliner together and then he said im tired, do you want to go to bed, and i said yeah.
i had every intention to simply cuddle and sleep next to him. we ended up having sex. i dont want to have feelings right now. i held out for so long but around 5 am he sort of tricked me. no gory details. i dont blame him, becaus ehe was really drunk and i wanted to have sex with him, atleast my body did. It made me feel cheap. it was the first sex ive had since before october, and i really wanted to stop having sex, when im not in a relationship. the fact that im the only girl hes slept with without being in a relationship with them makes me feel even cheaper. like im not worth waiting for. and now hes pulling away because im moving. it hurts because i understand hes trying to save us both the grief of a long distance relationship. i cant help but feel like ive finally found someone whos worthy of me, who i could truly love and adore. one of the potential loves of my life.


hes spoken to me once since i wrote this, and i initiated it. on new years. which was the worst time of my life. blisters the size of pancakes, a room in a hotel where the bathrooms are in the hallway blech. and the guy i was with expected more than a kiss even though ive told him repeatedly that im not starting anything with anyone for a long time AND I DONT JUST HOOK UP fucking asshole. my moms in town which is great. i love seeing her. and yesterday julianna was adorable, she wouldnt let me put her down for her nap so we both fell asleep for a while in a recliner. im gunna miss her a lot.

my mom took me to rei, i got some really nice cold weather clothes for when i move