vkathryn

i wish i could delete all of my fake friends from my myspace facebook whatever.

the issue is that they would all respond by saying ohmygod why did you delete me we are the best friends everrrr.
and my saying we arent obviously, would result in well we arent anymore.

and then my real friends would still be attached to the fakers, and they would want an explanation, and they wouldnt understand me.

in which case, are they real friends? i think i think too much in terms of black and white
you are my friend or you are not
you are someone worth keeping in my life or you are not

i am going to find a job

or i am not.

i will succeed or i will fail

i am in such a strange mood.

so complicated. owehfow. lmao

dating hmmm lets call him topdog for the past month/2 months,its going well, but we are very different and i think its not working out



were just not right for each other




















on his days off he loves laying in bed, all day long and thats not something im interested in doing
he is in the navy and deploying to iraq in september for one year, thats just too long for me
and i really was never into the navy/military girlfriend thing.



whew, just did it, and its feels strange. I feel vulnerable to everything.

I think while we were together, I always felt very safe with him, and i think I viewed him more as a fatherly protector vs a romantic interest? but i know that ill be happier without him.


so now, onto surfing computer guy?
we shall see :)

Dear Joe Carstensen,
I am so sorry for what happened that night last year. I'm sorry that I was the first girl you have slept with that you didn't love. I am sorry for what we didn't have. It hurt me that we did it. Made me feel inadequate and cheap. I wish I had a way to say it to you, but it seems as though you have moved on with your life and who am I to disrupt it? Maybe I am wrong, but I really thought we could have had something. Even if you do act like you are gay. You didn't act gay that night! bad joke. I can't sleep tonight, who knows maybe this is the one year anniversary of it, it is entirely possible. I know that it happened in between Christmas and New Years. I thouhgt maybe I could exercise it out of my head and finally get some sleep tonight. I have too much on my mind. How long will I be able to live off of Brian? He is my ex-best friends husband. Ive been living with them for the past 3 months, and she just decided she wants a divorce, but has been lying and cheating. We don't talk anymore. He gets deployed in april but put in a request to leave early. I don't want to stand in his way. And I definitely don't want him to feel like he has to provide for me. But where will I go if I can't get this job at my sisters work? It is my only chance at being able to survive on my own, quickly and efficiently. I feel pretty hopeless right about now. I miss Aly, my roommate from college. She was and is my rock, but life is difficult without her here. I did go to culinary school, graduated with a cert in baking and pastry. then I realized i didnt want to bake for a living OOPSIE. turns out the job situation is so fucking brutal I cant even get a job baking! cruel irony. i dont even know what to do with my life. b is calling me again, we went to julian, ended up kissing, it was bad. good-bad, the kind of bad you know is bad but you dont want to stop. however his dumbass has been so busy with whatever else that I havent been able to explain that the last thing I need right now is to be with anyone, let alone my ex-fucking-boyfriend, who always treated me like shit. do you remember how I couldnt orgasm? well I have now. and what I want to know, is why couldnt i get off with the ones that mattered? the assholes who I fucked and felt like the scum of the earth for fucking, I could get off with (because i had learned how to with someone? or because i need an asshole?) but the ones that I cared about and wanted to I couldnt. didnt know how to. breaks my heart again and again. In my insomnia, I become the Queen of Dwelling and Regret. it is my worst habit. I doubt you will ever read this letter. I wish you would. I wish you would google yourself tomorrow, and come up with this, and connect the dots. and maybe reassure me? I know i wasnt in the right in that situation, but neither were you, and surely you must harbor some regret and bad feelings about it. maybe we could dispel that for each other. or maybe you dont give a shit. maybe you never did. I was just some poor sad rebound from your ugly exgirlfriend whom you never had any intentions of dating had i continued living in san diego. ive said what i wanted to but i dont think ill be able to fall asleep yet.i hate not being able to sleep. it is the cruelest punishment. and who better to dole them out but my own fucked up head. running in goddamn circles. pointless selfdestructive circles. help

sincerely
vanessa
nearly brokenhearted ex whatever.

now that ive actually posted my previous entry...

im pretty confused about everything,

im not so sure about bandgeek anymore, hes young. and im very very hesitant to mess up our friendship. maybe ill just kind of sit on this idea until he brings it up and ill make my decision then.

he went on that date last night, ended up kissing the girl and feels really bad, bc she has a boyfriend overseas. i guess they are on the rocks anyways. I told him that that is shitty, but he has to realize that its her fault for going on a date period, kissing is usually bound to happen, and she shouldnt have gone on a date.

he didnt respond.

brandon is back in my life somehow.

he called me the other morning, 4 am, taken too much E needs help.

we ended up talking til I had to go to work at 730
i was very adamant about not being nice. it was good i think, but then thursday I had the day off and we were gunna hang out and go to the movies, and ended up spur of the moment heading up to julian to play in the snow, getting lost on the way there, he tried to kiss me once we got there and i turned away from him, but then he tried it again when we were in the snow and I let him.

everything always feels natural with him, and the chemistry we have is undeniable. but i really don't see how I could date him again. I couldn't trust him, and last time we broke up it was bc he tried to kiss rachel when he was wasted, and he denied it and i said i didnt believe him but that either way I wanted more attention, aka texting calls emails, seeing as how he was overseas at that time, and he COULDNT DO IT.

in any case, all of this is pretty irrelevant, because the last thing i need in my life is another man. I need to be by myself for a while.

wow i meant to post this about a week ago, somehow forgot to?



sooo, i definitely am significant other-less for the holidays. and im okay with that. he was not worthyyy lol.

he cheated on me with a friend we had recently met together (because she was dating his roommate). I had dropped her as a friend like, 2 weeks previous bc she lied all the time, was manipulative etc, just the kind of person I do NOT need in my life.

clearly I was right!

Anywho, so Ive been working a lot, full week this past week, over-time next week, which is pretty exciting!! Mom was in town for a few days, tues to sun :( I dropped her off at the airport yesterday, I was pretty down about it all day. But, I am really glad I got to see her at all.

I think I've realized that I might like a friend of mine, lets call him bandgeek :) (in the most endearing way possible!) Ive known him since my sophomore year in high school so thats... about 5 years now. He was always interested in me, but I always blew him off, he was way immature and needed to grow up I think. But lately, working with him, I can see he's been doing a lot of growing up. This is a scary position for me, because a) I would hate to lose him as a friend should it come down to that, and b) this is one of the first relationship possibilities Ive considered that could actually BE something, you know?

IDK im going to think about it for a few days, at least til friday, I cant tell him b4 then bc he is going on a date. haha i have such messed up timing.

If I were to date him Id want to set up some boundaries, I want to get to know him better on a personal level without the majority of physical ahem, interaction, getting in the way :) Ive rushed into relationships before andit never works.

I can remember when I first met him in high school, he had this long curly hair, which perfectly framed his beautiful, absolutely stunning eyes. Automatic attraction. He was such an asshole :) Not in any important way tho

He's very athletic, climbs like me! Also dives, cycles, photographs, goes to school for some smart thing or another.

I feel so silly, hving never considered dating him, but I think I am at a very good place to

I just had the MOST exciting idea!

for my next tattoo I think what i would like to get is inspired a lot/entirely by The Secret Garden.

growing up that was always one of my favorite books and movies & I also love the idea behind it all. so I was thinking, I could get a locked door mostly hidden by ivy, and some other embellishments I havent thought of yet. This would be on my left ribcage, then to somewhat finish it off, I can get a tattoo of a robin, much like the one in the movie, holding an intricate key in its beak. maybe cocking its head to one side? that might look strange depending on where I get it and the range of motion in that area. Im not sure where id get it, maybe on the inside of my right forearm... idk, I want it somewhere delicate, to mirror the delicate nature of a robin, as well as the delicate nature of the heart. the door will be on the left ribcage, because the heart is usually more prominent in the left side. possible places to get the robin : wrist (difficult to cover do I want to make that commitment?), collarbone (typical placement of swallows, also somewhat difficult to cover), hip (typical placement of tattoos of dumb young girls, also will stretch with pregnancy)

I think I would like the robin to be somewhat easily seen.

I was just looking up info on it, and I read the bio of the author, she also wrote the novel Sarah Crewe, which was made into the movie A Little Princess, another one of my favorites!!

I am very excited, because I have been eager to get more tattoos, but I refuse to get something that is meaningless to me. Books have always been a comfort to me, and these two books/movies have always had a special place in my heart. I am so happy that I thought of a way to imprint that on my body :)

and I have to admit, for as naive as it would mean you would remain,
the thought of not even kissing a guy until your wedding day is strangely appealing to me.

I suppose its because when I lost my virginity, I lost control, and as a result regret the last two years of my life more than I can express. I try not to think about it, because it is a waste of time, but it makes me very very sad when I do think about it.

I know that there is no 'ideal' situation, and everything has a downside, etc.

Its just hard for me because I have always wanted to settle down early and have kids early.
And contrary to most women I love cooking, cleaning, and many other domestic things, and while I have certainly attempted to educate myself, and establish a career, nothing feels right and I cant help but think that had I been born into a different family or environment that it wouldn't be 'bad' that I dont have high aspirations for myself by society terms.

In my mind, there is no higher aspiration than that of a mother.
By no means does that mean I look down upon women who work in high powered positions. If anything, I am SO envious that their path is much more easily accepted than my own!

is it really possible that i might have a significant other during the holidays?

thats definitely a first for me!

we met sept 19, and are exclusive.
we are very different people, but i think thats a good thing, mostly...

we will just have to see how things go

what do you do when you reach out for help, and you reach out for help, and you reach out for help
and finally someone offers a hand

but it doesn't help you rise at all

it just shifts you around

and I become a person that I hate.

and don't want to go on,

is there anything to do, or is it all futile?

this isn't a normal state of mind for anyone to be in. i think i need professional help.
but what could they ever do for me?? give me a pill to take everyday, and so long as I take it every day, I can pretend I am normal! until I decide im normal without the pills. that I created everything that was before the pills, in my head. so i stop taking the pills and put every person i love and care about through this again. until the day that I die, form my own hand or gods, no matter.

either way I'm not repaying those who give me their love very well. they give me love and I give them depression, and suicide, drama, heartache, naivete. im a drain on every-one and -thing around me.

up the butt.

as in i can hardly sleep, i have acid reflux as bad as I had it originally, aka it sometimes WAKES ME UP BECAUSE I HAVE TO PUKE. and sometimes i just feel like I have to, so I get to sit on the icy bathroom floor, nauseous and exhausted, (yet entirely unable to go back to bed) until my stomach plays nice.

my dads putting the squeeze on me to organizewhere im going ot work and live.

I want to go home

he wants me up here, like my brother does, and my mom wants me just to be happy. or move to hawaii.

dad even went so far as to tell me that he "may" be able to help me financially if I stay here, but not if i go home.

fucking rat bastard...

it wasnt even a flat out scummy, if you stay there ill pay your deposit and first months rent.

no its if you stay there, maybe ill consider helping you.


well guess the fuck what. I cant make a decision on MAYBE. if he will definitely help me, then staying here is an option

but im not going to put myself out on a skinny ass little limb for a maybe that may entirely fall through.


because I can survive in sd if shit falls through, because I KNOW people there.

I know people here, but theres no place I could live for a few weeks til I get my feet on the ground. its just not a possibility.

I guess I could do it, if I took out a loan or something. but im already up to my ass in debt. with no job on thehorizon so i just dont know what to do.

and i miss that boy. he needs to call me damnit.

I hate my life right now. im sliding straight into another depression, and nothings helping yet.
I want to tell my dad that part of why I want to go home so very much is because I have been so depressed up here. Ive literally hit my lowest point in my life, and I managed to pull myself up out of it, but it was themost difficult thing i have ever done, and I don't want to leave myself so open to that again.

That doesnt happen when I have my friends and family around me.

That and the fact that I know the boy is going to be in san diego are the two reasons why I want to go home.

maybe i shouldnt be including him in it, but if I cant tell the damn truth here then I can't tell it anywhere.
because I am, even when I know I shouldnt be.

I really really wish I could call him and ask him if he sees us having a future, because if hs answer is yes, then I have no qualms about it, im going the fuck home. if he doesnt and this was just some fling, then I MIGHT be open to maybe staying here, or at the very least moving somewher eother than san diego.

but its early days yet, and if a guy asked me that at this point id be like... woah dude. chill. too early!

so im not about to do that.

so im back at school already,
that vacation passed entirely too fast!

i met someone while i was in town, really unexpected, and he lives like 3 hours from me up here

we drove up together cuz he left his car here. it was a nice drive, and im already missing him.
should be interesting to see what developes.

in other news, im a nervous wreck about my midterm practical which is tomorrow and the next day.

i cant decide if im more nervous for that, or for my next class with chef durfee. hes pretty intimidating, as is the workload for said class. in any case, im gunna try to ensure that i am prepared for tomorrow.

wish me luck.

today sucks i just want to go home. yesterday sucked too. i got all grumpy towards my dad, which i now feel bad for, but i also have been sneezing nonstop and i have been devoured by bugs. I am so so ready to go home. unfortunately, i have four hours til my flight leaves and once i get to salt lake city i have two more hours until i board my flight to san diego.

and my dad actually told me i could change my flight, and put it on a credit card and hed pay me back, and theyre all full. god could it be more frustrating? and i had to drive two hours just to get to the airport. in a rental car that i was not insured for. ughhhh

whatever i dont care just get me home!

how I hate your bugs!

I am being ravaged by the damn things!
but its still lots of fun up here!!!

Im in Perry Sound, in the Georgian Bay, in Canada!

My dad has a cabin up here. its small but well equipped, full kitchen, minus an oven, oh and minus an indoor bathroom!

lol thats right folks, the toilet (which im relieved to say is a real toilet with pipes hooked up and everything) is in an outhouse, which lacks a door, but has a towel to hang over the lower half of the doorway. hahaha its not as bad as it could be.
theres an outdoor shower, and i think ill be okay using it, im just nervous about the fact that it doesnt have walls or anything. no one can see you, unless they come from the dock.

i figure ill just make my shower sessions quick-very quick!



good god this bug bite on my arm is HUUUGE.

like times TEN!

so armyboy called me.

after Ive asked him TWICE not to call me

and I was at work, playing uno with the 7 yr old so I couldnt say anything bc she was listening to my every word.

so he basically says I should call him while im home and i paused for abotu 30 seconds before incredulously saying alright. then he says i know you dont want to tlak to me ever again, but i just think thats really stupid.

again all i could say was okay, bc i didnt want to freak poor little imogen out.

so we hang up and she briefly interrogates me about who I was on the phone with.

I get off work, drive back to the dorms, entirely freaked out by him calling me again,
so as soon as i got back here I got on aim and talked to one of my good guy friends bc i was hoping he would be helpful,

and he didnt really havemuch to offer, but he was a good sounding board.

so I called him back and said something along these lines
" So Im not trying to be mean, bc i understand that you wan to stay friends, but we are two very different people. We don't have anything in common anymore, and i have never been able to handle hearing about your new gfs, and I dont see you not dating other girls and i certainly dont see us getting back together, so thats why I dont want to talk to you anymore."
and he said oh...okay and i said okay and he said well... goodbye, and i said bye and hung up



!!!!!

im proud of me :)

good to be back. Ive been so busy with life I haven't paused to write here :)

In 4 days I'm driving home! I can't wait :)

Made the mistake of drinking IPA last night, whewwww are we feeling the effects today! both me and the roomie are a little under the weather. I'm hoping she'll wake up soon and we can go eat something.

made a beautiful cake in class yesterday, and got a near perfect score on it! that was a definite first for me and it felt amaaazing.

I feel weird writing here again. I stopped because I started writing here when i got depressed and drunk and depressed and now it feels like I dont deserve to be here

oh well, hope ya dont mind cuz im not going anywhere.

Going home in three weeks!!! I totally can't wait.

Im driving home with a friend of mine who lives in la, so im dropping her off on my way down and picking her up on my way back.

My moms gunna be in town so Im going straight to where shes staying with a family friend and spending 20th with her. I fly out to canada by way of new york on the 21st with my dad, which i am very excited for. I fly back onthe 27th and spend two glorious weeks in san diego, during which I plan on going ot the del mar fair, seeing everyone I miss so much, getting my tattoo (YAY), and generally enjoying the beach and the sunshine.


I CANT FREAKING WAIIITTTTT!!!!!

so every time I go to starbucks in Napa, I go to a certain starbucks. its sortof out of my way, but its in the same parking lot as target AND in n out, plus, its got a much nicer ambiance than the other starbucks' ive found here.
ANYWAYSSS so when I go there, if I go drivethru im always helped by this one guy, and he always sortof stares and smiles a lot, and prolongs giving me my drink, but he never really talks to me. then the other day i actually went inside to do homework with the friend im driving home with later, and he was working and pretty much everytime I looked up he was sneaking glances at me.

and the oneeee time I go mainly just cuz I wanna see if hes there and hell talk to me. he isnt there. LAME.

but i did get my homework done so thats nice.

and this way theres more anticipaaaation, which we all know can make things that much better.

I just hope he isnt an asshole, or dumb or etc...


SATURDAY! me and the roomie are dressing up and driving around to do tourist-y things and take pictures of them as well! so maybe ill actually have a picture on here sometime in the near future? ehhh maybe not lmao i dont think anyone really reads this (which is SORT OF a good thing)!

i have never been able to orgasm with another person.

I think this is because when I was 15 I hung out with my bff at the time and these two guys that her and our brazilian friend met.


one didnt affect me, but the other did

Matt was his name. she still knows and we are still friends but i hope and pray with all my being that i never know his name again,

i may have been 15 but i was young, inexperienced. i cant remember if i had been kissed for the first time or not, i think i blocked a lot of it out.

he touched me. I liked it physically, but i wasnt ready for it emotionally. since then, the only time i felt aroused when a man touchedme, was when i was in public when i was 17. i dont know why that time was different but it was.

since then i have never felt turned on when i was with anybody.

it kills me

it killed me when i loved a man but could never climax when we were together.

and again when i almost loved another man. still i couldn't give him that .

it makes me really sad.



the only other time i felt even close is with the manwhore of my school.

why does life happen thisway to me?

ive always been a fan of life just happens and it is the way it is, but why?

why cant i have a normal relationship? why dont people like me? im not excessively needy, im not ugly or stupid, im not annoying to a ridiculous degree, im not a bad person!

im actually pretty, somewhat intelligent, independant, nurturing, sympathetic, empathetic...

what more do you want?

i also love sex. i do i enjoy it quite a bit.

and im adventurous! i tried rough sex, and i mean rough, and i liked it. i also like normal sex, or rushed, secret, long, slow, quick, hard, comfortable, wet, sweaty, raunchy, kinky.

you name it ill try it (most of the time) at least once!!!!!




so why am i avoided like im the black plague?

im not over army boy but im a lot closer than I was.
I apologize if this is sloppy, ive been drinking.
Went to SR today with Randi and the singer. it was fun I spent a bit of money on a lot of things.
I needed it, a lot. I was really nice, and now I have shoes I can wear into the kitchen for dinner, which is really nice, because last friday I skipped dinner bc my dress pants were all hang drying and I dont have any shoes that dont look retarded with my pencil skirts.


went to a party at l-curlys house, told the singer he was driving, but him and randi had a conversation later(that DID NOT include me) in which it was decided that randi was driving my vehicle home.

Im pretty uncomfortable withit cuz shes similar to dboy in that after a few beers she acts dumb, but I can never tell when shes too drunk or not, so

I sat in the living room while every1 was in the garage txted my bffl (lol) and she starts telling me I should see ry again, but hes deployed on monday for six months and the sex wasnt good, and there didnt seem to be much of a connection when we were seeing each other before so idk.

then movieboyn brit were leaving and they left but MB came back for a few mins and when he was walking out the door i shouted wait! can i get a ride home? and he said yeah, so i ran out and told randi what was happening and now im home. there was a cop behind us for a while.

i got scared. twice ive been pulled over by the same cop, for the same reason, and both times i was drunk and he either didnt notice, bc i played it off wellor hes oblivious or he just ignored it bc he idk pitied me? but three times I was not about to push it.

if ihad had flipflops and a sweater in my car I would have walked home and just texted randi and the singer to let them know once Id gotten home.

its only a mile and a half backto school, andin such a small town.

i made a dumb decision.

whats new

feels so out of balance.

i ended things with army boy, i went the easy way and wrote him a message detailing why I was unhappy, knowing that a) he wouldnt want to change all that for me and b) i dont want someone to have to change so much for me to be happy.

and he wrote back saying i dont even know what to say to that. I think we are too different, to which i responded that ive been thinking the same thing.

so its done but i know he is hurting, and i am hurting too.

i also have heartburn up the yinyang and feel like vomiting.

and i miss home so badly it hurts.

and then my moms bf visited me today and freaked me the f out. he told me he owed me an apology bc when he picked me up from the airport back in january he nearly kissed me, not in a father/daughter sort of way and also for probably holding me too tightly too long when he visited last(which he did). I accepted his apology. he also mentioned that if i were FIVE years older this wouldnt be a problem. i definitely brushed that one off. 70 yr old man and a 25 yr old girl is no better than the former with a 20 yr old girl. creepy

but he sends me money, and i need it, because dad has been late with sending me money.
he also paid for me to get my car fixed which i thought was awesome

but now im super uncomfortable with basically all of it. and i feel like i cant tell anyone bc theyd think i was horrible for not cutting off all ties to him, but im really broke. i can hardly afford things as it is, if i didnt accept his money i wouldnt be able to eat.

i feel like shit and all i want is to go home.

i had the tiniest (or hugest) amount of faith in myself. That would solve quite a few of my problems.

in other news, I've been keeping that tattoo in mind, I'm not as eager to get it, but it won't fade from my mind, so I'm not striking it off the list anytime soon. maybe I'll get it done in june/july when im home for summer? we'll see. going to the doctor this afternoon about my allergies, very excited, esp seeing as how I took my last allergy pill this morning!!!

tried to give blood after my practical today, but no dice. low iron! by ONE point. urg, oh well.
I just hate trying to do something nice and being turned away. makes me feel like they r ungrateful, but i know they aren't theyre just worried for my/recipient of my blood's health.

gotta head out